How to Make Decisions: A Guide for Sensitive People, Perfectionists, and People Pleasers
Do you struggle to make decisions? Do you get stuck in analysis, without taking action? Are you an HSP, perfectionist, or people pleaser? Or maybe — all three?
Every day, life serves up endless decision points: From what to eat for breakfast to whether to take a job or move to a new place, we create our lives through our choices. Some decisions are easier, but others can be tough. If you’re a sensitive person, perfectionist, or people-pleaser, it can be that much more difficult. But making decisions is an important skill to lead engaged, fulfilling lives.
Why Decision Making Can Be Difficult for HSPs, Perfectionists, and People Pleasers
HSPs
One hallmark trait of HSPs is Depth of Processing, which means we consider things deeply before taking action. This can be a strength, but can also be a stumbling block when we need to step out of processing, make a choice, and follow through with action. In addition, HSPs can be prone to overwhelm. If we’re overwhelmed, we may put off making decisions, or agree to things without even considering our preferences because it feels easier in the moment, but this can create more problems down the line. HSPs can get better at making decisions by making sure they don’t get stuck in endless processing. After giving yourself some time to process, commit to making a choice and following through with action.
Perfectionists
Perfectionists can struggle to make decisions because they’re on the hunt for the exact “right” choice, and feel there’s very little room for making mistakes or learning. Perfectionists can get better at making decisions by remembering that life is about learning, and in many cases, there isn’t a clear right or wrong.
People Pleasers
People pleasers can struggle to make decisions because their own inner compass gets clouded over by what they think other people want from them or would do in their shoes. People pleasers can make better decisions by turning down the volume on other people’s opinions and preferences, and turning up the volume on their own inner voice.
Consequences of Not Making Decisions
So, what’s the big deal, anyway? Why do we even need to make decisions? Can’t we just let life take us where it may?
Of course – we can defer decisions to other people, to circumstances, to time. But ultimately, there are consequences to this approach. For one thing, not choosing is in itself a choice, albeit a passive one. If you routinely defer making choices, you may:
Feel like life is passing you by
Feel as though you aren’t the authority in your life
Feel victimized or resentful
Not trust yourself
Live smaller
Benefits of Getting Better at Making Decisions
On the other hand, if you get better at making decisions, you will generally:
Feel increased confidence in your ability to handle your life and choose your path
Feel empowered
Trust yourself
Live more expansively
HSP Strengths That Can Lead to Better Decision-Making
As HSPs, we’re typically quite conscientious, so even if we take a little longer to come to a decision, we’ve usually considered multiple angles and factors. This is an absolute asset in coming to a well thought-out choice. We may have stronger attunement and access to a variety of inputs, such as emotional, somatic, or even psychic information. This can be useful, but it’s important to balance our intuition with our thinking, so that we’re bringing both our feelings and thoughts into the equation.
Perfectionism: What if I make a “wrong” choice?
If you’re even a moderately conscientious person, you’re probably aware if there’s a truly wrong choice, and you won’t even consider that. More likely, you’re feeling stuck because of complexity. In many cases, there isn’t one clear right or wrong choice. There are just different choices, with different outcomes and possibilities. There may be many ways to respond to a situation, and each comes with its consequences.
If you’re faced with a decision that doesn’t have a clear-cut right or wrong, see if you can gently release yourself from the pressure of making a “wrong” choice. You can do this by trusting that you can handle the consequences of your choice. If you’re stuck because you’re afraid of making the “wrong” choice, it can be helpful to ask yourself: What do I imagine the potentially negative consequences of this decision to be? And then: How would I cope with the consequences of this decision?
Remember, you are a capable, resilient human being. You’ve handled challenges in the past, and you will again. Even if you make a “wrong” choice, you can learn from it and keep going.
People Pleasing and Decision Making
If we’re people pleasers, we may bypass our own thoughts and feelings and jump right into what we feel we should do or what other people will think. Not taking enough time and space to fully consider our own preferences and perspective can lead to guilt or resentment.
For example: It’s 5:00pm on a Friday, at the end of a long week. You’re planning on staying in, cooking your favorite soup, and watching a movie – and you’re really pleased with that plan. Suddenly, you get a text from a friend inviting you to go out with her, because she had a tough day and could use some support. Immediately, you feel guilty and/or resentful – you were looking forward to staying home!
But wait! What happened there? We need to slow it down.
Remember, you can say no. You don’t have to accommodate everyone else all of the time. You have a choice.
Of course, you may feel genuinely enthusiastic about the idea of seeing your friend, and decide to go out. Or, you may feel that given the value of the friendship, it feels meaningful to you to show up for her, and so you decide to go, even though part of you was looking forward to staying in. Or, you could offer to support her in another way, perhaps through a phone call or by making plans for tomorrow, and stay in. The important thing is that you allow yourself the time and space to consider how you feel and make a decision that takes that into account.
A Step-by-Step Process for Making Better Decisions, With Less Stress
1. Recognize when a decision point arises. Notice if you’re putting off a decision about anything. Ask yourself: Is there a decision I need to make? Is someone else asking you to do a favor, inviting you to an event, or making a request of you?
2. Pause. Check in with your gut reaction. Before going into a lengthy pro-con list, just check your initial gut reaction. How do I feel about this? What are my emotions? You don’t have to share these initial feelings with anyone else.
3. If need be, ask for time and create a “buffer zone.” Take off the pressure by reminding yourself it’s okay to take your time – really. Unless it’s a crisis situation, you can afford to take a few minutes, hours, or even days to make a decision. Sometimes, it can feel like everything is urgent – but the more you practice giving yourself a “buffer zone” to notice your feelings, consider how you want to respond, you’ll begin to trust that not everything is an emergency, and people will survive you asking for a little bit of time. They may even come to respect you more for asking for what you need.
Some Phrases You Can Use to Ask for Time
It’s okay to say:
“I’m not sure – let me get back to you.”
“This is really important to me – I want to take time to think it through.”
“That sounds amazing! I really want to, but I need to check a few things first. Can I get back to you by (the end of the day, the end of the week)?
Note: If you ask for time, do your best to honor your agreement to get back to the person in the timeframe you indicated. If you can’t, update them – keep the other person in the loop regarding your ability to respond.
4. Determine whether you could use more information. Do you need more information to make an informed choice? What, specifically, would be helpful to know? Many times, we have to make decisions without all the information, and that’s okay. But if you’re missing important information that would really help, take time to ask or do your research. (Caveat: Research can also be a procrastination trap. If you find yourself endlessly researching, you may have reached a point where you have all the information you need, in which case, it’s time to move on to the next steps!)
5. Consider all of the possible answers, options, solutions. Take your time to consider the various scenarios that could result. Sometimes we can sell ourselves short by only considering two options. Are there more ways to resolve the issue? Is there a third or fourth option that you could consider?
6. Consider your thoughts and feelings in more depth. As you ask yourself these questions, feel into your body for the answers, as well as using your mind to think. Ask yourself:
How do I genuinely feel about this situation?
Do I have a preference for how this goes?
From my perspective, what’s my best-case scenario? What's the worst case scenario?
What are ALL of the possible ways of responding?
How will this decision impact other people? What emotions arise when I consider other people’s needs in this situation?
To what extent do I feel pulled to accommodate other people in this situation? To what extent do I want to accommodate other people in this situation?
What are the consequences of each way of responding?
When I consider the options, which choice makes me feel more: Free? Expansive? Clear? Burdened? Trapped? Resentful?
Depending on the significance of the decision, you may find it helpful to journal or speak with someone you trust, like a therapist.
7. Make a decision. Once you’ve given yourself adequate time to notice your feelings, consider various possibilities and consequences, it’s time to make a choice. Make your decision, communicate it to others if need be, and follow up with action.
8. After making the decision, notice the results, and notice how you feel about it. This is an important step. Making this a regular practice will serve as a growing basis for trusting yourself and your ability to make important decisions in the future.
Your Turn
Is there a decision you’ve been putting off? Try taking some time right now to go through the steps above.
Sometimes, having a big decision to make can feel like a burden, or like life is attacking you. But remember, no matter how stressful it is, this is something you get to make a decision about, and that is an opportunity. One of the cool things about being human is we have free will and we can make our own choices. This is a shift from feeling victimized by our lives to feeling empowered participants in our lives. Decisions aren’t always easy, but getting better at making them is one of the best ways we can grow.
Trust yourself – you’ve got this.
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